The World According to Steven Wright
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table. They couldn't help me.
- What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an
only child . . . eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in
France who said, "Cut it out!"
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
- I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed
to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now,
but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- My school colors were clear.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup
- I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The
middle of August? Cool!"
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know
how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I
said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
- I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They
caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong
- He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot.
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
- Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around
singing "Happy Birthday".
- I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now
everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
- I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run
that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I'm a peripheral visionary.
- I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
- Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
- The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell
me about some of the people who were here last year."
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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